How To Write An Article That Will Sell In The Mainstream Press Every Time
10 Simple Steps, PLUS 2 Career-Making Tips For Writing Total Crap That Many Editors Will Not Just Publish, But Pay Generously For
Step 1.) Pick a current event, any current event.
Step 2.) Copy and paste an article about that current event.
Step 3.) Change some words, remove any quotes.
Do not fret, replacement quotes will be added in a later step.
Step 4.) Choose a group of people popularly perceived to be oppressed.
Actual oppression is not necessary and may actually get you in trouble (as in the case of Kyle Rittenhouse about to be bludgeoned to death by angry rioters). Also this is not about individuals but about groups. This part is the most important part of the process: you must be aware of the current narrative and angle this in a way that shows that you know what the latest thing is.
Step 5.) Add 5-6 sentences to the article that describe a type of oppression experienced.
1 or 2 of those sentences should be in the first paragraph, 1 should be added to the conclusion, and 2-3 should be peppered throughout the piece.
Step 6.) Make a sample title that illustrates the oppression succinctly.
The editor will likely choose his own title but your sample title will be seen as a good gesture.
Now you need some expert support.
Step 7.) Contact a department of a Marxist discipline at a local school with national prominence or an Ivy League school.
Ask for 3 recommendations.
Since Marxism is generally not an openly accepted term for the Marxists to use, terms like “critical,” “interdisciplinary,” “theory,” “studies,”and “intersectional” in the titles of departments or academic disciplines may help you identify what department are Marxist.
Step 8.) Say this on the phone:
“I am a journalist writing a piece on (choose one of the following racial / gender / queer / intersectional / labor / migrant) issues and am seeking a quote from one of your faculty members.”
When asked what publication you are writing for say, “I am not at liberty to say. I am freelancing and it is going to be released in a major media market.”
Step 9.) Contact The Professors.
After identifying the professors who might be interested, send the following to those identified:
“I am a journalist writing a piece on (choose one of the following racial / gender / queer / intersectional / labor / migrant issues and am seeking a quote from you specific to how that applies to the oppression commonly felt by people experiencing (insert the current event you are writing about).
“An email quote would be ideal. I am also available for a phone call.
“If you would like to share anything on this topic, I will need the quotes submitted to me or the interview completed by (insert the deadline of your choice).
“When would you be available for this?
“Thank you for your time.”
One professor will often do. Two is ideal. Three could also work. The best pablum-style, thoughtless, mainstream piece of Marxist propaganda has two professors providing 2-3 quotes each in the article.
CAREER TIP: Once you have published quotes from 3-5 professors this way, you have a stable of those 3-5 professors that you can go to with every future article and make a career out of this.
Step 10.) Pitch the article to editors.
CAREER TIP: Similar to that mentioned above, once you have 3-5 pieces like this placed with editors, you will have a stable of those 3-5 editors that you can go to with every future article and make a career out of this.
That took about 120 minutes of work. If you can do that 3 times a week, you are well on your way to being the type of stenographer that passes for a journalist in the allegedly free world in the year 2022.
Welcome to the big leagues.
Alan: Both entertaining satire and perfect description of what we will find in main stream media.