Progressive Pastor Introduces One-Year 'Don't Read Your Bible' Plan
Chinese lives will be saved by this innovative plan
This headline and the article below are from a satire publication, but it is perversely close to reality. The Babylon Bee “reports”:
“PITTSBURGH, PA — Pastor Karen Younis of Pittsburgh's St. Andrew Lutheran Church has released a new, innovative Bible reading plan where people commit to one year of never reading the Bible.
“‘My plan is designed to be like an easy, wide path that everyone can follow,’ said Pastor Younis as she passed out sign-up sheets. ‘Simply keep the Word of God closed, with all its bigotry and intolerance, and believe whatever you want! Christ accepts all! What could be easier?’
“Pastor Younis reportedly came up with the plan after hearing about the martyrs of the Early Church. ‘That was when it struck me - if those people had just quit reading and believing the Bible, they would never have been killed!’ explained Pastor Younis. ‘In fact, I'm told there are these crazy people in China still dying over wanting to read Scripture. My plan to keep the Bible shut could literally save their lives. Those poor people have the whole world to gain!’
“As part of the program, Pastor Younis will send out weekly encouragements to help people keep their Bibles shut. ‘This week, we remember that after thousands of years of human ignorance recorded in the Bible, 21st-century American progressives have at last discovered the truth,’ said Pastor Younis. ‘Next week, we will focus on how the Bible calls every single human sinful, instead of simply affirming every stray whim of neurochemistry.’”
“At publishing time, Pastor Younis had added not going to church as part of the yearly commitment, and was now working as a CrossFit instructor.”
Listen . . . The world can be screwy. Don’t let that get you all bent out of shape. Because the truth is . . . there is only one person you can change.
That is you.
And that is why the Bible project exists: for your to pay more careful attention to you.
Reading the Bible from cover to cover has changed my life for the better and I want you to have that same opportunity.
We are reading the Bible cover to cover in 2023, which can be done in less than 15 minutes a day.
If you are unsure of how amazing of an opportunity that is, I am sweetening the deal. You will get all of this by joining:
An online group, combined with the ease of email in — a weekly newsletter
Review your reading quickly and easily with — weekly Cliff notes of the Bible.
Clarity and insight from people reading alongside you, which is what our interactive online community exists for
Nerd out on the Bible and be inspired with — small group discussions led by experts in their field who have a burning passion
Read, listen, or follow along — the choice is yours. You’ll get daily videos of that day’s reading delivered to your email inbox.
As long as you are a member of this group, I’ve got your back on your sincerely held beliefs and will write a religious exemption letter for you anytime you want it and as many as you want.
And of course, all of these benefits are also open to those who have already signed up.
Finally, anyone who 1.) signs up for the online group and 2.) sends me a screenshot of the receipt and their mailing address by 11:59pm Pacific Thursday will get my favorite Bible sent to them free of charge. This is a handsome Bible that will cost me about $25 to get to you. It will cost you nothing. 100% of the cost will be paid by me as an extra incentive to make it easier for you to read the Bible cover to cover in 2023. Just send me the above and give me your word that you will be doing that reading and I will not turn you away.
Oh yeah, and on top of that, anyone who joins this week will also have a 10x money back guarantee available to them. Just do the following: 1.) do every reading (I’ll take your word for it), 2.) post a sincere comment about your Bible reading at least every other day, along with a response or two to someone else’s comment, and if the growth in you isn’t worth 10x what you paid for it (I’ll let you be the judge) by the time your 90th day in the group arrives, I will give you back ten times what you paid to join. I will literally write you a check for 10x what you paid to be in the group.
This is all icing on top. The real treat, if you ask me, is the direct benefit you receive you commit to read the Bible cover to cover and then follow through.
And that’s why I’m really writing you — because I want you to read the Bible cover to cover in 2023.
Join me in the Bible project by tapping here — 55hours.org.
Allan Stevo
I appreciate this!