Sir, it is by your voice that you command authority over others. It is by your presence. It is not by a leash.
And you are not the feminine, which has other ways to ameliorate a misstep, you are the masculine. With what silliness do you place a leash on a child and show the world anything but the fact that you have no authority in the world.
You have so little authority that the child who is caused by nature to bond to you and adore you from even before his birth as he heard your familiar voice in his waking hours and sleeping hours. You mean to tell me that for the past four years you have been so errant in your role that your voice means nothing, your presence means nothing, but it is a leash that you claim as the thing you need? Are you serious?
And this child, does he ever get a chance to hold his father’s hand, to feel that physical reassurance, that strength, that gentleness, all at once, or is he always two steps ahead of you, at the end of an almost taut leash, being trained, like a dog, to not pull too hard on the leash for he might get pulled back uncomfortably.
And when he wishes to be unleashed, is he to beg to be unleashed each time, so he can walk free?
Some adults seek to emulate the values encouraged in childhood during the adult years — What a strange life of obedience you teach him. Or perhaps a strange life of rebellion you teach him, if he finds himself an adult seeking to escape his upbringing. But the gentle authority of the masculine voice, the gentle authority of the masculine presence, you have chosen to leave absent in your home, in your family, in your child.
Here in front of me, you have put the opposite on display.
As I turn to the rioters of the summer of love, I saw absent fathers of their past. Masculine authority they never got to know. Masculine reassurance they never got to know. Masculine presence they never got to know. The man of responsibility. The man of duty. The one who did the hard things, not because he felt like it or not, but because it was his duty. The rock, unmoved by emotion. The stoic. The man.
That man, a generation removed, was absent as his child burned and broke anything he could find. His hair dyed. His body pierced. Many tattoos. An honest face-to-face conversation impossible to have with him. Yes, that level of human connection and honesty was impossible to have with him, but for him to throw a Molotov cocktail in a car with people in it was as natural for him as opening his eyes in the morning. These are the children of the summer of love 2020, the perpetrators of the summer of love 2020.
Their absent fathers were visible, at least for all who understood what they were seeing. And not just for the man-children, but for the woman-children too. People no longer young. More like middle-aged, but behaving like children. Not any children — behaving like children who are not well raised. Behaving like badly raised children yet middle-aged by years. The years of drinking. The years of drugging. The years of self-abuse showing.
Please Sir. Do not put a leash on your son. Do not spend all your time at work. Do not be emotionally vacant when with the family. Do not use a screen when a child is with you. Do not be someone whose absent parenting skills can be seen for the next few decades in the life of his child.
And when I say parenting skills, I mean, your manliness. For perhaps, you were not made to raise a child, perhaps, but you were made to have authority with the turn of the head, with a lifting of an eyebrow, with a gaze in the direction of a misstep, with a word gently spoken.
It is your authority which so triggers those who were born without it. Your effortless authority if you will live in it. And by your example is the only natural way a child, both male and female, come to understand how the world works and to be able to make sense of it, rather than spending decades listlessly running from many realities and crying about why things as natural as gravity do not listen to his pout and behave differently.
The leash, Sir.
Please. Do without. Rather than the leash, take this time with a child, instead, as an opportunity to work on yourself. The coming of a child into our lives has much to teach us about ourselves and our flaws, if we let it.
You need no leash. I promise you. You need to just unapologetically be your masculine self with your son, so he can come to know what such a thing even means.
Allan Stevo
100% Allen. The "child-on-a-leash" phenomenon is undoubtedly, as you illustrate, an unfortunate comment on the adult.
One of the foundational child-rearing principles we learn from Austrian philosopher Rudolf Steiner (founder of Waldorf education, Biodynamic Agriculture, Anthroposophic Medicine, etc) is that raising and/or working with children invites us to a path of self-development.
"We can’t always control who or what is in the children’s environment and most of the time we must make the best of any given situation. But we can do our best to be aware of our own selves. It is so important for adults to be WORTHY OF IMITATION when they are in the presence of young children."
(meaganrosewilson.com)
I admire and agree with almost everything you write. I do. But not this. I’ve a 3year old grandson who would not be safe in even the slightest degree if I couldn’t use a leash on occasion. Like his grandfather and father before him he’s a “runner”. No crib, no school, no voice of authority will win if they try to “fence him in!” It’s a cowboy thing I suppose. No adult, no matter how fast or strong can catch up with him once he sets his mind on some goal. Certainly no grandmother w/achey joints. You have to admire that but also realize that it will take many virtues (patience and diligence come to mind) to “teach this child in the way that he should grow” so as to honor his elders. It’s had everything to do with his inborn nature, as no lack of loving care with lots of time and attention have been spent on this precious little one. So I respectfully beg to differ on this even though I’ve no doubt that some parents do need to heed your advice.